That was THEN This is NOW
When I think back, I never realized what I was in for. I didn’t know what the word recovery actually meant. I thought it was just a term that meant “abstaining from using drugs and alcohol”. As I settled into a welcoming community, I learned how to deal with life one day at a time. It felt scary and uncertain yet exciting. I began to meet new people, find new hobbies and begin a new career.
My growth continued into my career as a social worker. This is where I really learned how to communicate, listen and understand not only clients but myself. Facing clients struggles each day forced me to look inward. Every co-worker, person and experience that crossed my path I saw as an opportunity of enhancing my own recovery.
A year ago, I struggled more than ever in my recovery journey. I struggled with addictive thoughts, desire to use and self-hatred. I was scared I would lose it all. All I had accomplished. My ego. I lost myself through the process of leaving my career and becoming a mom. It has felt like a never-ending spiral of highs and lows.
Even thought at times, it didn’t feel okay- it will be. Today, I celebrate 9 years clean and sober. Recovery has taught me many things but the one thing deeply ingrained early on was wait long enough and this will pass. I don’t even have to think wait, I just do it like flipping on a light on when you walk into a room. It is a muscle that I have strengthened over the years.
I have learned how Recovery isn’t staying clean and sober. That is just how it begins. It is a process that unfolds as I continued to grow into myself. A process of on-going healing. I no longer wonder how I will make it through the day without drugs. I am trying to find the strength to go further working though deep-rooted issues.
Recovery doesn’t end. It can always keep growing into something beautiful if you are willing to allow it. It’s when you think you are healed and recovered, that you will stop. Stop becoming you. Stop becoming something beautiful. Stop helping others. Stop loving yourself.
Today I continue to recover. I choose me.
